Sweet Embrace of Death
by Fizzy Starburst
Summary: Just in time for Halloween! A self-insert fic based on a running joke that ran too long and got waaaaaay out of context. Death is based more on his appearance in Bill and Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure at Halloween Horror Nights 2017 than his appearance in Bogus Journey, but it does take influence from both.


The first time it happened it was entirely an accident. They both could agree to that. While he had no idea at the time that their first meeting would ever amount to anything more than a chance encounter, he'd be hard pressed to say it hadn't left an impression, even if he didn't know he'd be seeing her again and again.

Lori, the one he was supposed to have come for, was sitting on an air mattress, choking on a fruit snack that was, ironically, shaped as a coffin. At first, he'd hardly noticed the redhead sitting next to the choking brunette. After all, he often would arrive to complete his job with friends and family members surrounding the soon to be corpse.

It was supposed to have been an easy job. In, choke to death, out. No problems, no worries. He'd done it thousands of times before. But then again, _she_ had never been there to stop him, until now.

"Um, excuse you!" the redhead cried, almost as soon as he'd entered the small apartment bedroom. "She's not dying! Go away!" He gestured to the brunette vaguely, as she continued to choke on the snack, fist on her stomach in an attempt to administer a self-heimlich. Why the redhead hadn't tried the heimlich maneuver on the other was none of his business. "How did you get in here, anyway? The doors are all locked."

"I'm the grim reaper." Obviously. This redhead was an idiot. "A mere locked door will not stop me from collecting her-"

He never got to finish his sentence "Well, I already told you," the redhead was standing up now, hands on her hips defiantly "she's not dying. So skedaddle."

Lori, meanwhile,was still trying to get the gummy out of her tummy. At this point, neither Grim or the redhead were paying much attention.

"How about this," he smirked, "I'll let her live, if, you can beat me at a game of Rock, Scissors, Paper." After all, he already determined she was an idiot. He'd be able to best her, and then make off with the corpse of brunette as if the confrontation had never happened.

With a roll of her eyes and a sigh, the redhead replied "Fine."

His hand flew down as a fist. She'd bested him, her palm flat, as she moved it to cover his rock with her paper. He'd noticed, almost immediately, an unusual coldness to her touch. Warm enough to not be dead, mind you. But still...every other living thing he touched was much warmer; so warm that the contact made him uncomfortable. The temperature of the redhead's touch didn't make him want to recoil immediately. It was a nice warmth, one he could get used to, if he had any interest in touching her hand any longer. Which, of course, he did not.

"Paper beats rock." she stated boredly. "Now let Lori live."

Yanking his hand out from under hers, he frowned "Best two out of three."

Eyeing him impatiently, she responded "That wasn't the deal."

"Fine." he groaned, his annoyance practically seeping through every pore.

Lori coughed twice more, before the fruit snack dislodged from her throat. "Thank fuck." she gasped, finally able to breath again.

"Don't thank 'fuck', thank me!" Death cried "I'm the one who spared you!"

"Technically," the redhead spoke again. "She should be thanking me for being good at Rock, Paper, Scissors."

"Rock Scissors Paper." Death corrected.

Lori had had just about enough of it all "Tomato, potato, either way, I'm not choking so it's all good!"

With a grimace, Death stated "I suppose I should see myself out."

"Remember to lock the door behind you!" both girls sang out in unison, causing a tingling sensation to run down his spine. He may have been the Grim Reaper, but some that didn't make him immune from being creeped out.

It was only a week later when he saw her again. Once again, she was with the brunette, but this time, he was supposed to have come for both of them. One had started drowning in a theme park wave pool, and when the other tried to help, they'd both been pulled under.

Both girls were unconscious, and both girls only came to in the cold stone walls of hell. As they were still wet from the wave pool, and only wearing bathing suits, he wasn't surprised that they were both shivering. "I suspect you know why you're here."

"Here as in dead or here as in hell?" the redhead, who his boss had identified as Mariah, asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Dead." he responded plainly.

Lori's head whipped around as she cried "Because someone just had to go in the wave pool, even though I _told_ her that bad things happen in there!"

"It's not my fault you don't like to have fun." Mariah snipped.

Eyes widening, Lori yelled "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE'RE DEAD!"

Mariah rolled her eyes, turning her attention away from the brunette and back to Death himself. "Look, I don't want to spend eternity shivering in a bikini. When Lori was choking last week, you let us play rock paper scissors-"

"Rock scissors paper." he interrupted. Why couldn't she get it right?

"-whatever." the redhead's eyes rolled once more. He was starting to notice that she did that a lot. "So what do you say? Another match for our lives?"

He was going to argue against her, but he also remembered the outcome of the previous week's game. She'd picked Paper as her first instinct, so all he needed to do was pick scissors. "Deal."

He held out two fingers to symbolize scissors. Unfortunately for him, Mariah's hand had formed a fist. Her hand, now even colder as she was actually deceased, unlike last week, came crashing down on top of his. "Rock beats scissors! Now bring us back."

Releasing his hand out from under hers once more, his eyes narrowed. "You were the only one who beat me. The little one must win her way out."

"Does it have to be rock paper scissors?" Lori questioned with a slight whine.

Death was about to lose his mind "ROCK SCISSORS PAPER!" he cried, not unlike a child throwing a tantrum. As his eyes landed back on the girls, he immediately paused. Lori's mouth was agape, a look of confusion etched over her entire being. Mariah, meanwhile, had crossed her arms across her chest, one of her eyebrows lowered while the other was quirked up skeptically. Uh oh. He had done goofed. Clearing his throat, he responded "But any game is fair game."

"Oh good!" Lori beamed "Cause I'm really good at Connect Four."

Death nodded solemnly. "On one condition." Lori nodded, waiting as he pointed towards Mariah "she doesn't get to help."

"The heck am I supposed to do, then?" Mariah questioned. "Sit there and provide commentary?"

"That's all you ever do, anyway…" Lori retorted in a sing-song voice.

Rolling her eyes again (that was the third time now, not that he was counting) she let out a dejected "Fiiiiiine…"

In an instant, the table was set with the Connect Four board. Death stood at one end of the table, Lori at the other. Mariah, meanwhile, straddled a chair backwards with a sideview between the two. Lori had the yellow chips, Death had the red. Lori leaned over first, the satisfying clunk of the yellow plastic fixating itself in the lower left corner. Death leaned over fully intending on placing his red piece in the other corner, until he heard a very loud "DAMN!"

The noise startled him so much that his hand shook, his chip sliding into the bottom slot one left of the right corner.

"What?!" he cried, shaking with impatience

Both players turned to Mariah, who shrugged innocently "I just noticed your ass, is all."

"My what?!"

"His what?!"

"It's an A+ ass!" Mariah cried, throwing her hands over her head "Do you expect me to not say something when I see an ass that fine?!"

Arms bracing the table, as if in anger, Lori then cried "Mariah NEVER freaks out about asses, so this I gotta see."

"What is _wrong_ with you two?!"

Mariah was happy to give the Grim Reaper an explanation, though it wasn't one he was expecting at all "We're two twenty-something-year-old virgins. Can't help but look at nice butts."

With an exasperated sigh, Death asked "Are you being serious right now?"

A wicked smirked crossed Mariah's features, as she replied "Deadly."

While this exchange was going on, Lori had quickly plopped her yellow chip on top of her previous. "Hellooo?" she called, gesturing towards the Grim Reaper, "I haven't got all day. I mean, I'm dead, so I sorta do, but ya know…" His eyes flickered from the redhead back to the brunette with a distasteful glare and a slight grimace. As his hand reached to drop the next chip, Lori's eyes widened as she cried "I still haven't seen your butt!"

The startling proclamation caused him to drop his new chip next to his other in the middle, rather than blocking anything Lori had played. Clenched fists in the air, he let out an irritated "Damn!"

Lori happily skipped over, bending over to examine the Reaper's kaboose. "Enh. I'd give it like a 9/10. Nice, but there's definitely room for improvement."

Mariah shook her head, water droplets from her still wet red hair falling onto the table "Nah, that's definitely a 10/10 butt. Would definitely touch if given the chance."

If blood could have rushed to his face, it would have. Though, he wasn't entirely sure whether it was from anger or embarrassment. He assumed it was probably a bit of both. "Well you're not going to get the chance." he snapped.

With a nod, the redhead replied "That's cool bro. You do you, it's your creepy isolation kingdom. I just hope someone is touching it, cause it is a butt that deserves to be touched."

Having already made her way back over to her side of the table, Lori asked "What about my butt? Does it not deserve to be touched?"

"I've got a better butt than you." Mariah retorted with a roll of her eyes.

Lori scrunched her nose up "I don't think so." plopping down her 3rd yellow chip in a neat little row, she asked "Hey, Death, who's got the better butt?"

"WHAT?!" his fists banged on the table "You can not possibly be serious!"

Mariah stood up, and spun around before bending down, bikini-clad bum in the air "MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS, LORI!"

The absolute last thing Death wanted in that moment was to be caught staring at one of their asses. And yet, there he was. She did have an insanely good ass. Fuck.

Lori wasn't having it. She spun around, bouncing from side to side in order to show off her butt. And it was...fine. It was a nice butt! Nothing wrong with it. But for the Reaper, there was something about Mariah's butt, he figured that it was perhaps the fact that she was bending over, and his mind was travelling to some very imaginative territory with her still in that position. He was so caught up in ogling the butt, that he failed to notice Lori turning back around. "Well," she crossed her arms across her chest, bitter tone like a venom on her tongue that she had to spit out "I suppose that answers _that_ question."

Standing upright once more, Mariah cried cheerfully "I told you I have the better butt!"

The Reaper, who was about to block Lori's win, let the chip slip out of his hand. As the plastic made a clink on the table, his eyes narrowed as he strode towards the redhead "I see what's going on here. You're trying to distract me so that your friend can live."

"Honestly," Mariah replied, blue eyes widening with each step he took towards her "I wish I had thought of that."

"And what?" he questioned, now towering over the girl who was once again straddling the seat. "You expect me to believe that you're honestly that attracted to my behind?"

"I don't know what you want me to tell you. You have a sexy butt." Mariah's tone was straightforward, cutting away any sense of humor that may have lead him to believe she was still joking.

What was she trying to pull? Of course he had a sexy butt. After all, he was in the habit of working out all the time, and reaping kills a lot of calories...but no one ever noticed.

"Can we just finish the game, please?!" Lori cried impatiently.

His gaze breaking from the redhead and back to the game, he muttered some obscenities under his breath and tossed in a chip at random, still in a haze of trying to understand what was going on. Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten how close the brunette was to winning. Brown eyes shining with amusement, Lori simply plopped her 4th chip in a row down. "Ta da!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Death cried, pushing over the game board in anger.

Lori merely smiled "You have to take us both back now."

And he did, albeit begrudgingly. The girl's corpses came to at call of a defibrillator, souls returning to their very wet bodies.

That time, he definitely remembered both of them, though at this point, he was still of the mind that they would not be seeing much of each other.

This changed again, after only two weeks. Apparently, Mariah's knee had gone out and she'd fallen down a long, metal staircase. She'd grabbed onto Lori's arm, trying to steady herself. Unfortunately, this only caused her to drag Lori down with her. Once again, the girls were unconscious. And once again, they only regained consciousness in the cold confines of hell.

"God damn it!" the Reaper cried as they finally came to. "This is the third time this month. Do you have a death wish, or something?!"

Mariah cooed "Aww, and here I was thinking you missed us."

"Well this time, you are staying dead." he snapped.

Lori pouted "Well that's hardly fair. This wasn't even my fault!"

"I don't care who's fault it was!" the Reaper cried. "You're dead now. You're in hell."

Leaning over, Lori whispered into Mariah's ear "Does this mean we don't get to play Connect 4 again?"

"Absolutely not!" Death snapped. "Last time you were here you kept distracting me with talks about butts. You cheated."

"We did no such thing!" Mariah argued. "Just because we were appreciating your butt doesn't mean we cheated! It just means you were also appreciating our butts!"

"Or just your butt…" Lori mumbled under her breath.

Mariah hadn't heard Lori's mumble, but the Grim Reaper definitely did. He immediately shot her the most pointed look she'd ever received. "Enough!" he snarled. "It's not about who was looking at who's butt…"

"So if it's not about butts," Mariah interrupted "Then we didn't cheat. And therefore there's nothing logically stopping you from letting us play for our lives again."

Death clenched his teeth together so roughly that he was sure the squeak that came from grinding them together was audible to the two girls in front of him. "You don't make the deals here. I do."

"So then make this deal with us." Mariah bantered, hands on her hips as she stepped towards him in a move that might have been seen as intimidating if she wasn't a good half foot shorter than he was.

The redhead was dangerously close to him now. Her body was in his personal bubble, and he was not obsessed with that feeling. "Fine. One last time. Only because I'm getting tired of arguing with you."

"So what's the game?" Lori asked, now suddenly seeming a lot happier. Almost as though she'd come all this way just to play a board game. Like the death was a rouse. The Grim Reaper knew better, of course, but he couldn't quite shake the impression he got from her startling change of tone.

He was so caught up in the baffling implications the brunette's sudden change in demeanor had given him that he would of forgotten to answer the question at all, had Mariah not still been in his bubble, clearing her throat in an attempt to get an answer out of him. They were asking him? This had never happened before. He always let the damned pick their own game, which he typically would best them in. But with these girls...Mariah had already bested him twice at Rock, Scissors, Paper, and Lori's triumph - and the route to it - made him swear off Connect Four for good. "How about a game of chess?"

The two girls looked at each other, and then shrugged. Extending her hand, with the intention of him shaking it, Mariah offered "You have yourself a deal."

Death eyed her hand suspiciously. He'd temporarily forgotten about their first meeting - about the starting revelation of how much he'd enjoyed her touch while she was living. Of course, she was dead now, she'd feel just as cold as any other dead person. But the oddly comforting feeling of her hand atop his back in Lori's apartment was something he'd attempted to forget about. Unfortunately, he'd failed to repress it, only ignore it temporarily. But, by god, now that he was thinking about it, he wanted to experience it again. Not because he liked it, mind you, but to ensure he wasn't hyperbolizing it all in his head. He took her hand, giving it a halfhearted shake. He needed to get his head out of his ass.

The game was set, the girls, of course being given the black pieces. If he was going to win, he was going to have to go first. The game continued silently, mostly because both Lori and Mariah were trying to remember the exact rules of the game, neither having played it in a good few years.

The Grim Reaper was winning, he realized that only a few short moments in. He didn't want to get too cocky, for fear of having a come-from-behind win from the girls, but he also was sure that they were not as skilled in the game as he was, so he let himself relax. That was, until, suddenly, an odd thought struck him: If he was to win, Mariah would be dead. He'd never be able to retest the whole hand touching thing on her if she was dead. Shit. Now he had to lose, just to make sure he wasn't sensationalizing a moment that had happened a month ago. Fucking fantastic.

Lori hummed and hawed before taking one of the pawns that hadn't moved yet and sliding it forward one space. Death looked up from the game and shot the girls what felt like an awkward smile, but most definitely came off more as a grimace. "Was that not okay?" Lori asked, her voice slow and tentative.

"No, no, every move is totally fine." he waved a hand dismissively, as he started the path towards his own self-destruction, gamewise.

Mariah and Lori both eyed him suspiciously. Mariah shook her head, however, as she continued with her next move. Lori wasn't budging though. And it wasn't the sentence that through her off, it was the very stupid next move he played; exposing both his queen and a bishop. Death could feel the brunette's eyes on him, but he wasn't quite sure she knew his motives. Hell, even _he_ really didn't understand his motives. So what the fuck was Lori so suspicious about?

The fact that he was losing on purpose. Lori couldn't quite figure out why. At first, she thought that maybe they weren't supposed to have died at all. That Mariah's accident on the staircase should have hospitalized them, sure, but not killed them, because Lori had seen the way the Reaper had looked at her best friend's ass. But if that was the case, why was he losing? Surely he'd want to keep Mariah dead so he could have her ass at his disposal? As the game went on, Lori noticed more and more moments where it would have been very easy for him to have captured their pieces, but he hadn't. And she could not, for the life of her, figure out why.

Mariah, meanwhile, was really just trying to remember how chess was played. The horsey was the one that could only move diagonally, right?

Trying to play super sleuth, Lori waited for Death to make another very bad move on the board before asking "So, the seventh seal. What came first, chicken or the egg? Was the filmmaker basing it on a real near death experience, or did you pick up this habit only after the movie came out?"

The Reaper was startled. After all, the game had happened in near silence up until this point. And also because...well...no one had ever really asked him about himself before. Usually the dead were all ' _Blah blah I'm dead I don't wanna be dead bring me back blah blah blah'._ As he still floundered from the answer, he realized that not only was Lori awaiting an answer, but Mariah had also looked up in interest, even giving him a small nod as if alerting him that it was, in fact, alright to disclose the information. "It was before, much much earlier."

"So, did Bergman have a near death experience?" Mariah questioned, raising an eyebrow as she moved the next piece on the chess board. "Or was he like, really good at guessing?"

"That's the strange thing," Death found himself relaying, though he wasn't sure why. He guessed, perhaps, it was because no one had ever asked him before "I don't remember seeing him before the movie was made. And I never saw him again until 2007, but by then he was very old looking. And he looked at me and said the makeup team had done a good job."

"That's ominous as fuck, bro." Mariah's voice was barely above a whisper.

With a shrug and a dismissive wave of his hand, the Reaper replied "Enh, not really. I've heard much, much stranger things from much, much stranger people."

Smirk on her pale lips, Lori turned to Mariah as she chirped "Like this one saying you have a cute butt?"

At this, the Reaper tensed up. Although, he wasn't quite sure why. For all intents and purposes, Lori was correct. Mariah's assertion that she thought this rear end was attractive was certainly something he'd yet to hear. He moved another piece across the chessboard, as if on autopilot. Eyes focused on the board in front of him, he managed to choke out a very forced "Yes, I suppose that would be up there."

Eyes lowering in an attempt to catch his - a movement that made him feel very uncomfortable - Mariah asked "Did it like, you know, actually bother you? Cause we can stop bringing it up if it's making you uncomfortable."

"The only thing making me uncomfortable," he snapped "Is how often you two keep reappearing. The only reason I even offer these games is for a near death experience, usually only once in a person's lifetime. And yet here you are, your third time this month, alone."

"Do you think we were trying to die?" Mariah asked, her voice still quiet, but now with a little more edge to it. She was absolutely doing her best to remain calm, but she'd be lying if she said the accusation hadn't angered her a little bit.

Death clenched his teeth together, before barking "It wouldn't surprise me."

"Listen, I've tried to die before." Mariah snapped, suddenly. "And believe me when I say that anyone who's actually trying would never get this far three times in such a short period of time."

"You...what?" Death's expression softened, albeit only a bit.

Mariah ran a hand through her long, red hair before reiterating "I've tried to die it didn't work out. But now that I'm not trying it's happened twice, plus the time Lori was choking on a fruit snack. Nobody could actually successfully kill themselves this often in this short of a period. Too many people would be watching their every move to make sure they didn't do it again."

Lori then spoke up again "Seriously dude, every time really was an accident."

"So I see." The Reaper inhaled sharply. "I suppose being on this side of it has muddled my perception of the living a bit."

"Do you ever get to go to other side? Other than to collect dead people?" Mariah asked, as Lori moved another pawn by only one space.

He nodded, before explaining "I was part of a band once. You may have heard of them. Wyld Stallyns. The band that is destined to save the world. Bill and Ted, they let me hang out sometimes."

"They _let you_ hang out?" Lori questioned. "Like, you need their permission? Don't you feel like a third wheel?"

"No no, it's not like that!" Death found himself defending. After all, Bill and Ted were the only friends he really had.

"I mean, I'm glad you're able to get out every now and again." Mariah interjected "But like, you're more than welcome to hang out with us if you want. Just so long as we're not at work or whatever."

The Reaper moved another piece, careful to not only take a pawn of the girls, rather than the queen, which was very obviously available for capture. "If you win, that is."

"And I think we will." Lori stated, moving the girls' queen to capture one of his rooks. "Seeing as how you only have pawns and your king left."

"Hmm." He tried to feign disappointment, but Lori could definitely see the smirk that threatened to twitch up at the sides of his mouth. The brunette eyed him curiously, as he simply moved a pawn forward, foolishly exposing his king.

Seeing the mistake as nothing more than a foolish mistake, Mariah cried "Checkmate!" happily as she made the final move. The redhead was oblivious to the small smile the crept onto the Grim Reaper's face, but Lori was not.

Death, meanwhile, was oblivious to Lori's notice. So Lori opted to not say anything, for now. She still needed to piece some things together before bringing it to his attention. He purposefully lost - of that much she was certain - but for what reason? That was what she still needed to figure out. As of right now, she had nothing. But with how often she'd been seeing him recently, she figured that she'd likely have much more time to observe and come to a conclusion. In fact, she soon realized, she could push her test subject into providing information much sooner. "So, now that you're taking us back…" Lori tried to make the conversation seem as non-chalant as possible "And we've established a potential friendship, and you seem to like board games, why not pop over next Sunday night? We'll play scrabble or skipbo, have some wine…"

"You can't be serious." The Reaper mumbled with a shake of his head.

Mariah responded "Dixie Chicks serious."

"Are the Dixie Chicks usually serious?" Grim asked, suddenly very confused "Sometimes they're Not Ready To Make Nice and sometimes they're Goodbye Earl. I'm not sure whether or not you're being sincere."

"It's sincere!" Lori clarified.

Death nodded, before awkwardly readjusting his robes. "Ah. Well then. Perhaps, we could, see what next Sunday brings."

"Will we have to like...offer a sacrifice?" Mariah questioned tentatively. "Or can you just show up?"

"Oh for fuck's sake," The Reaper groaned, rolling his eyes "I'll just show up! Don't kill anyone! You can't just fuck with death!"

With a cheeky grin and wink, Mariah retorted "Well, not until you buy me dinner first."

The Reaper froze in that moment, though he felt his blood boiling. How dare she?! Where did she get off?! Well, apparently she was insinuating using him to get off, as it were. His muscles tensed at the mere thought of engaging in such an act. _All_ of his muscles. Which only served to make him even more uncomfortable. Thank goodness the robes he donned billowed over his figure, as she already spent enough time ogling his behind, heaven knows what she'd do if she saw _this._ "I will be doing no such thing." he snapped. He only got a shrug and a giggle out of her. He wasn't at all paying attention to Lori, who was still trying to piece together what seemed to her like some very strange motivations.

In fact, he didn't think of Lori much at all in the days leading up to the following Sunday. But Mariah? Oh, he thought about her a lot. Mainly while trying to ease the increasing number of stiffies that were occurring. It's not as though he hadn't be aroused before, what with the dancers and sexy cosplayers the Wyld Stallyns seemed to be forever attracting. But he'd be hard-pressed to remember another instance where a mere mental image had gotten the flag to full salute, as it were. And the more he remedied this little problem (not that he'd ever be so foolish to refer to it as little) the more often the problem seemed to spring up. So he continued to straighten it out, head filling with foolish notions of what it might be like if it were the redhead causing this sensation, rather than his own hand. Her touch was still undeniably bearable, and would likely be warmer than his own. Which, for this situation, would be quite lovely. And it's not like she was exactly unpleasant looking either. After all, she did have that ass, and the bikini she'd been in during Connect Four served to put a very lovely rack on display as well. And….aw, fuck. There it was. The release he so desperately needed. Moving to wash his hands, he shook his head at his own ludacrisy. He still had to go meet them for board games, after all.


End file.
